Welcome to Finding Peace and Zen

Rainy Days and Mondays

Anxiety and depression do not read the calendar or weather report to know when to appear.  Yesterday may have been wonderful, but the next morning’s lens on the world may be totally flat and gray.  I am still the same person as the day, maybe even the week or weeks before, but at that moment, the thoughts flooding my mind are what is not right, good, or attractive about me and the life I live.  
I am so blessed—I used to say lucky but my brother has corrected much of that.  My health is good.  I have a sweet loving dog.  I live in a comfortable house with the best friends and neighbors.  I grew up in an emotionally secure home where I was loved and nurtured. Before I retired, I was employed in work that I mostly found enjoyable and fulfilling every day.

So why is it that all I see today is what I lack, where I have failed, and the stupid times I did the wrong thing?  

I am a caregiver. I am actually proud most days that I am able to provide a sense of safety and security for my brother.  But today, I so want to be “off duty.”   Not responsible for anything.  Free to be a slob, not get dressed, just lay on the couch, maybe read or watch tv—I don’t know but just FREE! 

I am resentful that I have to do EVERYTHING.  From garbage to washing loads of clothes over and over to get the smell of urine out to getting dressed, driving my brother to his physical therapy, waiting, and driving him back.  It’s all on ME!  I can pay someone to do some of that, but then I worry I am spending my limited income capriciously, and it will come back to haunt me some day.  And even if I do pay for help, I have to make the effort to get the help, it isn’t just there when I need it.

I know all of this stems from where I am emotionally approaching life; not thinking gratitude but thinking easy.  I am filled with envy of those who don’t go round and round with someone who isn’t thinking “right” to get them to change a wet Depends that they can’t smell but makes me want to gag.